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Last spring, my boyfriend let the spare room in his apartment go to a model he wanted. His roommate was younger and made us feel old, but he always had a bottle of wine in the room and seemed to enjoy us even though he sometimes claimed we were bored or not hot.
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One night, my boyfriend and I got into an argument about which Lorde album was better, her first or her second. A discussion like this would be interesting if the participants were making funny or interesting points, but they aren't and aren't. His roommate is getting stronger; My boyfriend kept repeating himself. It happened on Friday. I don't get tired. I knocked and said loudly, "This conversation is dumb, so I don't want to continue." I know it sounds rude, but on purpose, I thought Big Brother was being rude. That's why my roommate got up without saying a word, went to his room, knocked on the door and didn't talk to me.
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Although she lived in the apartment for several months, I only saw her once on the way to the bathroom. We didn't see the eye. Another time, I went to the living room zoom ring and heard Avril Lavigne's "girlfriend" from behind her closed bedroom door, "Hey, hey, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I'm not like your lover." Finally, my boyfriend texted her asking if she would talk about the situation. "Your girlfriend is toxic," he said before he could say anything else, a monkey emoji covering his face.
This accusation is frustrating because I always want people around me to agree. But it's also surprising because it's a toxic internet term. I've seen all kinds of advice on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and Reddit about how to deal with "toxic" friends without actually talking to them. But I rarely hear it used offline, and then only by semi- or objectively terrible people. I never had to wonder if it was a word that could be applied to me.
The internet is full of advice, much of it delivered in a cut-and-dried, cut-and-dried tone. To be honest, there are a lot of lists. For example: "7 Tips to Cut Toxic People Out of Your Life" or "7 Ways to Cut a Toxic Friend Out of Your Life." The mantras on Instagram and Pinterest are relentless: "There's no better way to take care of yourself than to cut out toxic people"; "If I cut you, you probably gave me a pair of scissors." Twitter handles and posts are best suited to spread these tips. I don't know who listens to the tweet that almost everyone needs to hear, but when someone hurts your feelings, you let them get away with it. WebMD also has a page on how to spot a "toxic person," helpfully defined as "someone who adds negativity and anger to your life." Well, with this event...!
This is hard to read because like most people I know, I have hurt everyone I love at least once. Roommate. I talked to him about the obvious red flag and he did what he had to do according to the prevailing wisdom online. He moved quickly to protect himself. A person doesn't need to forgive anything, he can comfort himself with a little internet noise. Or as one Inspirational Words account tweeted this summer: "Shut them up, they know what they're doing."
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I can't say it's a big loss, our relationship is based almost entirely on intimacy. But the advice I'm reviewing isn't about losing random contacts; It represents close friends, siblings, partners, parents. It's not always clear that other people are my problem.
"These are some of the signs you should cut someone off," 22-year-old TikTok creator Sahar Dahi told his millions of followers last year. She has the air of her older sister, but not funny, not sarcastic. Traits: They can't tell the truth, can't keep your secrets, and can't break your boundaries even when your boundaries aren't discussed. "Definitely red flags," he said.
Dahi writes many videos with the hashtag #toxic. When I interviewed him, I asked him if he practices what he preaches, and he said he's really big on practicing what he preaches, and he's gotten rid of a lot of toxic people in his life. How much, exactly? He was silent. “Quick calculations? Oh, God, I'm 10," she said. (Last year.)
I must stop here to emphasize that I do not want to cause any moral panic. Perhaps #toxicposts are popular because of relationship drama, especially TikTok, a teen app designed to explore all aspects of socially awkward behavior. Maybe this tip is in style right now. But at a time when our most intimate relationships seem to be getting really tough, it's hard not to laugh at the way some people care about it.
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No one tracks breakups between unmarried romantic partners, let alone friends or subs. But we know that all types of relationships fail. Last year, Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who focuses on family alienation in The Atlantic, suggested that more parents are cutting their older children out of their lives. Cornell University professor Carl Pillemer published a book on the issue in 2020, estimating that approximately 67 million Americans are estranged from family members.
Some blame the self-righteous youth. Last year, David Brooks, in The New York Times, drew on the work of Pillemer and other experts to argue that the disease epidemic could lead to "abuse-creating changes" for difficult or distant parents identified as dangerous. He asked whether today's youth see family as a "starter to fulfill a personal life" rather than a lifelong commitment. Brooks describes the "psychological unraveling of America" with high rates of depression and suicide, as well as a high percentage of Americans who feel they have no close friends and no one they really know.
Two decades ago, Robert D. Putnam lost social connections in Bowling Alone. Americans, pressed for time and money, withdrew from bridge clubs, bowling leagues, and wider social responsibilities. Putnam diagnosed society with a generational attitude, but what is happening now is something else: a generational mutation in the philosophy of personal relationships. Close and perhaps sad.
Why does this happen? Perhaps young people are motivated by the change and limitless choice brought about by online dating and social media. Perhaps our brains have been indoctrinated by a culture of health and the rhetoric of "self-care" that emphasizes the need to prioritize our own well-being above all else. Or we can be good American capitalists, encouraged by the cult of individualism to think of ourselves as glamorous brands, the protagonists of cinematic blockbusters, the centers of the universe.
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The line between internet advice and good health advice can be a bit blurry. Many TikTok people have become the equivalent of therapy by charging one-on-one advice. I have also spoken to professionals who say that this online counseling school has found its way into their counseling rooms.
Lena Pearl, a clinical psychologist in New York, says her patients sometimes talk about toxic friends and Internet tips for dealing with them. It becomes attractive. "People like rules," he told me. They want to know what their responsibilities are. "I'm ever going to say, look. I cut you off?"
New York psychotherapist Jack Worth doesn't care about the toxic term: "As far as I know, reliability and authenticity are not real psychological constructs." But lately she says that she is going out again and again in her work. Many patients "want to explore ideas or frameworks learned online."
Self-help is older than social media, but reading a Brene Brown book in its entirety is far more rewarding than passively eating what's offered on an algorithmic diet. "I think it's not easy to find content to confirm what you already feel."
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